October 18, 2004- The BIG Lesson Learnt!
ONLY love can bring good things into this world and into our lives. If we deny our soul’s desires and needs, we block out its light. We become dark and dull…We no longer shine from outside…we have no true joy or happiness…and this is how I have felt all these months…but my soul is now rejoicing and my face is bright with smiles and the glow of happiness…whatever awaits me waits to be seen, but I know all will be well…
Dear All, - This is a long post with much detail....if it helps someone else out there....great!
Dear All, - This is a long post with much detail....if it helps someone else out there....great!
I"ve written the lesson at the beginning, and now, the post will explain how it all came about!!
OK…this is basically not so much a letter to everyone, although it will also serve the purpose of letting you all know how my confrontation with Avik went last night…I also want to thank ALL of you who replied to my last troubled letter and all your advice and support….I sat here with tears of joy streaming down my face from the feeling of your outpouring of love and concern for me…I love you all very much…those who advise staying here as long as possible, in fact this does seem like the best idea and I know I will hate myself for coming home early once I get over my hugging and kissing all those I miss so much, but I don’t know if at this point I will make that decision….I don’t really know how to approach avik and tell him I want him to go home without me and stay on here alone for awhile using his money….but I will take things day by day…as you will see from the following, I am well taken care of my God and the Universe and imagine that this decision will also be guided from above for my higher good…
And now, the story….
I will try and make this as clear as possible, but because of my great need to get it all written, I probably will be rambling a lot here…this is basically for myself and of course you can skip over or even delete what is irrelevant or just “too much” for you to take!
Those of you who have been following my journals for the last few years, know that each trip brought with it some deep learning, some lesson, which had to be learnt…and that this trip so far had not yet revealed the lesson to me….well, it’s happened and as always, was quite amazing in the synchronicity and surprising sequence of events leading up to last night.
I have actually been struggling with this decision for several months now, as some of you are aware. But the fact is, I was always approaching it from a place of anger and fear…and of course what came back to me, instead of clarity and understanding and direction, was just more anger and fear, multiplying itself from both within and from outside….Saturday morning, something very trivial happened but which, for some reason, opened my eyes to what has been wrong with my approach all this time, and also showed me the “bottom line” in regard to my problem with Avik in a very clear way…so clear in fact that it was as if the heavens had opened and a large hand came down and wrote the message on a piece of paper for me to read. It’s as if the mist over the mountains has cleared and all is clear and bright and beautiful!
I understood, first of all, that it is not the BIG lie which was so terrible coming from Avik, and perhaps if all other things had been well, I could have gotten past that, as I know that no matter how stupid it was, he believed he was doing it for love….what I realized so clearing on Saturday morning, is that Avik himself is just one big lie!!! Everything he does is secretive, closed, dishonest, there is no true integrity in anything he does or says…And these small lies have repeated themselves so often until I realized that this is just who he is…a person who is incapable of being open and honest, and forthright with other people….and this is THE one thing that I cannot live with….
In addition, as I explained to him, if he truly has found the love of his life which he believes, then he should be joyful and happy and he is nothing but miserable all the time…so whatever he is feeling, it is not really love…more like a teenage infatuation I guess
What happened then, Saturday, was that after a couple of hours of deep thought, it just dawned on me that my approach to the whole thing has been wrong…And immediately beautiful and loving thoughts filled my mind and heart. I no longer felt anger or fear, just peace and calm, knowing that doing what my soul truly needs me to do, and which can only be done through love, is the only true way…and once I approached everything from the place of love, I knew that all would be well. It was something I’ve always known, but this is the first time I have had to deal with a situation personally which required the relinquishing of anger and fear and the replacing them with true love….it was really an illuminating experience for me…a true “AHA! “ as Yonina would say!
Once my heart opened, all the answers just flowed to me in simplicity and directness. I knew exactly what I would say to Avik and how, and although I had no idea how he would react, knew for a fact that everything would be just as it should be.
Well, it took awhile until I got hold of him to speak to him, but when I did, I myself was completely surprised by the lack of hardness and anger in my voice, and the gentle words of love which flowed. He heard all I had to say, and his conclusion (at least as of last night) was that we could simply remain traveling companions and stay together as long as we felt comfortable with the arrangement, just as friends etc…I told him I would really like to stay here as long as possible, but did not express any desire to continue on by myself afterwards…he seemed very opened to the idea of my continuing to use the money which is his, but as I said, that was last night..this may all change today or tomorrow, but you never know as there was another twist to the story which I will write in a minute….I know however, that his reaction of love and calm was only in direct response to my approach from the heart…if I had spoken to him about our separation at any other point, in any other way, before I “saw the light”, I know his reaction would have been in kind…which is to say….filled with anger etc….He told me that there would be no problem when we get back…everything that is mine, would go back to me, as much as he loves his beautiful house now…and even asked if he could keep the nice arrangemnt in the computer room…I said I need it for my “new house” wherever and whenever that would be…and he said…anything you need me to help you with, or replace, I will…I will help you move and get everything fixed up just as you did for me when you came to live in my house…I believe he was sincere in this and don’t think THIS at least will change….and this is because of what he told me next…
On Friday, the day before I had my illuminating experience, I was talking to Nicolai while avik was out, and when avik came back he continued to talk to him while I preprared dinner. Nicolai recommended a book by the Dalai Lama for Avik, and for some reason he went right out and bought it and began reading it on Saturday! He doesn’t really go in for this stuff but I found him completely absorbed in the book….He had been reading it for 2 days by the time I spoke to him….
What he said to me was….that everything I’ve been telling him all this time, about what he is like etc., and which he always denied and became very defensive about, he now, for the first time in his life, realizes is true….he is secretive, dishonest, lies, hides things from people, is afraid of his weaknesses so pretends they don’t exist and had actually built a fantasy perception of who he is for his own personal consumption all his life…etc., etc.
And all of these things are the reason for his great suffering (turns out he was reading about suffereing in the book and the causes of it and how to overcome it) all his life…He now realizes that he must change who he is if he is to be truly happy, but doesn’t know if he is able to at his advanced age… and he knows that my decision is completely right. I had told him that I thought in the beginning I was being kind to him in trying to put things back together and only now realized it was actually being cruel as I was only making him more miserable…he agreed that I was doing the best thing for him and thanked me for it….there is more to his insights which I was quite surprised by, and know all of this was just part of the “plan”….things just don’t happen….there is no coincidence. By the way- I had originally thought to talk to him earlier, before he had read the book, (WHICH i DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS READING)and for some reason Abdellah told me to wait another day…so we could enjoy our Sunday walk to naddi together…if I had spoken to him a day earlier, who knows how he would have reacted to what I said…it was all combined…my speaking from a place of love and his having understood his own part in his lifetime of suffereing….
At any rate…the lesson for me is learnt…ONLY love can bring good things into this world and into our lives. If we deny our soul’s desires and needs, we block out its light. We become dark and dull…We no longer shine from outside…we have no true joy or happiness…and this is how I have felt all these months…but my soul is now rejoicing and my face is bright with smiles and the glow of happiness…whatever awaits me waits to be seen, but I know all will be well….being here, coming home, spending time with family and friends, going off to Uruguay, job hunting, apartment hunting…just new adventures to be faced and enjoyed…
I will do my very very best to answer all of you personally, but please please do not think badly of me if I do not manage it….
My love to all of you and again my thanks for your warm letters, your outpouring of love and your intriguing forms of advice!
Jane
OK…this is basically not so much a letter to everyone, although it will also serve the purpose of letting you all know how my confrontation with Avik went last night…I also want to thank ALL of you who replied to my last troubled letter and all your advice and support….I sat here with tears of joy streaming down my face from the feeling of your outpouring of love and concern for me…I love you all very much…those who advise staying here as long as possible, in fact this does seem like the best idea and I know I will hate myself for coming home early once I get over my hugging and kissing all those I miss so much, but I don’t know if at this point I will make that decision….I don’t really know how to approach avik and tell him I want him to go home without me and stay on here alone for awhile using his money….but I will take things day by day…as you will see from the following, I am well taken care of my God and the Universe and imagine that this decision will also be guided from above for my higher good…
And now, the story….
I will try and make this as clear as possible, but because of my great need to get it all written, I probably will be rambling a lot here…this is basically for myself and of course you can skip over or even delete what is irrelevant or just “too much” for you to take!
Those of you who have been following my journals for the last few years, know that each trip brought with it some deep learning, some lesson, which had to be learnt…and that this trip so far had not yet revealed the lesson to me….well, it’s happened and as always, was quite amazing in the synchronicity and surprising sequence of events leading up to last night.
I have actually been struggling with this decision for several months now, as some of you are aware. But the fact is, I was always approaching it from a place of anger and fear…and of course what came back to me, instead of clarity and understanding and direction, was just more anger and fear, multiplying itself from both within and from outside….Saturday morning, something very trivial happened but which, for some reason, opened my eyes to what has been wrong with my approach all this time, and also showed me the “bottom line” in regard to my problem with Avik in a very clear way…so clear in fact that it was as if the heavens had opened and a large hand came down and wrote the message on a piece of paper for me to read. It’s as if the mist over the mountains has cleared and all is clear and bright and beautiful!
I understood, first of all, that it is not the BIG lie which was so terrible coming from Avik, and perhaps if all other things had been well, I could have gotten past that, as I know that no matter how stupid it was, he believed he was doing it for love….what I realized so clearing on Saturday morning, is that Avik himself is just one big lie!!! Everything he does is secretive, closed, dishonest, there is no true integrity in anything he does or says…And these small lies have repeated themselves so often until I realized that this is just who he is…a person who is incapable of being open and honest, and forthright with other people….and this is THE one thing that I cannot live with….
In addition, as I explained to him, if he truly has found the love of his life which he believes, then he should be joyful and happy and he is nothing but miserable all the time…so whatever he is feeling, it is not really love…more like a teenage infatuation I guess
What happened then, Saturday, was that after a couple of hours of deep thought, it just dawned on me that my approach to the whole thing has been wrong…And immediately beautiful and loving thoughts filled my mind and heart. I no longer felt anger or fear, just peace and calm, knowing that doing what my soul truly needs me to do, and which can only be done through love, is the only true way…and once I approached everything from the place of love, I knew that all would be well. It was something I’ve always known, but this is the first time I have had to deal with a situation personally which required the relinquishing of anger and fear and the replacing them with true love….it was really an illuminating experience for me…a true “AHA! “ as Yonina would say!
Once my heart opened, all the answers just flowed to me in simplicity and directness. I knew exactly what I would say to Avik and how, and although I had no idea how he would react, knew for a fact that everything would be just as it should be.
Well, it took awhile until I got hold of him to speak to him, but when I did, I myself was completely surprised by the lack of hardness and anger in my voice, and the gentle words of love which flowed. He heard all I had to say, and his conclusion (at least as of last night) was that we could simply remain traveling companions and stay together as long as we felt comfortable with the arrangement, just as friends etc…I told him I would really like to stay here as long as possible, but did not express any desire to continue on by myself afterwards…he seemed very opened to the idea of my continuing to use the money which is his, but as I said, that was last night..this may all change today or tomorrow, but you never know as there was another twist to the story which I will write in a minute….I know however, that his reaction of love and calm was only in direct response to my approach from the heart…if I had spoken to him about our separation at any other point, in any other way, before I “saw the light”, I know his reaction would have been in kind…which is to say….filled with anger etc….He told me that there would be no problem when we get back…everything that is mine, would go back to me, as much as he loves his beautiful house now…and even asked if he could keep the nice arrangemnt in the computer room…I said I need it for my “new house” wherever and whenever that would be…and he said…anything you need me to help you with, or replace, I will…I will help you move and get everything fixed up just as you did for me when you came to live in my house…I believe he was sincere in this and don’t think THIS at least will change….and this is because of what he told me next…
On Friday, the day before I had my illuminating experience, I was talking to Nicolai while avik was out, and when avik came back he continued to talk to him while I preprared dinner. Nicolai recommended a book by the Dalai Lama for Avik, and for some reason he went right out and bought it and began reading it on Saturday! He doesn’t really go in for this stuff but I found him completely absorbed in the book….He had been reading it for 2 days by the time I spoke to him….
What he said to me was….that everything I’ve been telling him all this time, about what he is like etc., and which he always denied and became very defensive about, he now, for the first time in his life, realizes is true….he is secretive, dishonest, lies, hides things from people, is afraid of his weaknesses so pretends they don’t exist and had actually built a fantasy perception of who he is for his own personal consumption all his life…etc., etc.
And all of these things are the reason for his great suffering (turns out he was reading about suffereing in the book and the causes of it and how to overcome it) all his life…He now realizes that he must change who he is if he is to be truly happy, but doesn’t know if he is able to at his advanced age… and he knows that my decision is completely right. I had told him that I thought in the beginning I was being kind to him in trying to put things back together and only now realized it was actually being cruel as I was only making him more miserable…he agreed that I was doing the best thing for him and thanked me for it….there is more to his insights which I was quite surprised by, and know all of this was just part of the “plan”….things just don’t happen….there is no coincidence. By the way- I had originally thought to talk to him earlier, before he had read the book, (WHICH i DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS READING)and for some reason Abdellah told me to wait another day…so we could enjoy our Sunday walk to naddi together…if I had spoken to him a day earlier, who knows how he would have reacted to what I said…it was all combined…my speaking from a place of love and his having understood his own part in his lifetime of suffereing….
At any rate…the lesson for me is learnt…ONLY love can bring good things into this world and into our lives. If we deny our soul’s desires and needs, we block out its light. We become dark and dull…We no longer shine from outside…we have no true joy or happiness…and this is how I have felt all these months…but my soul is now rejoicing and my face is bright with smiles and the glow of happiness…whatever awaits me waits to be seen, but I know all will be well….being here, coming home, spending time with family and friends, going off to Uruguay, job hunting, apartment hunting…just new adventures to be faced and enjoyed…
I will do my very very best to answer all of you personally, but please please do not think badly of me if I do not manage it….
My love to all of you and again my thanks for your warm letters, your outpouring of love and your intriguing forms of advice!
Jane
posted by Jane @ 4:44 PM
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