November 8, 2004
Monday, November 8th , 2004
Dear All,
Didn't think I would be writing again as I didn't think there would be anything to write...I am basically now just making the most of each day before I come home. Tomorrow this lady I wrote about Claudia is coming for lunch so we will be with her most of the day (Abdellah and I at least) and I still have to go down to Dharamasala one more time and then on Thursday I have to pack up the kitchen and back up my stuff...think I won't have room for everything!!
But, as always in India, things happen by chance and felt the need to write again a couple of hours ago...so here goes.
Bhagsu-German Bakery around 1 PM
I think I am taking my final leave of this place. Perhaps I no longer have the NEED to be here. If I ever return it will be just because I feel like it...not because I must. Everythng that has happened so far today has added to this feeling of a final farewell to my attachment to this place. It's as if the whole past year has been contrived in such a way as to detach me from ALL I felt the NEED for. Living my life in a certain way, in a certain area in Israel, doint things in a certain way and earning my money in a certain type of framework. and today's farewell is just a continuation of all which began happening last year as soon as I got back from India.
My moving in with and now leaving Avik;s house has put a final closing to all that part of my life. I find myself now with no home, no job, no income of any sort and yet not worried about the future or even taking any great pains to plan things. I will be living from day to day and see where life takes me. but until today I still felt this NEED for McLeod and the surrounding area as a sort of retreat from...
Perhaps in my new life I will no longer feel the need to retreat from...but all I need will be IN me instead of something or someplace outside of me. that doesn't mean in any way that I do not have to pursue a job and find a place to live. but I have a feeling that I will no longer need a place to "run away to" because I will not be running from anything.
so...how have events of today helped me in my farewell to THIS place? Well, got up early as usual and left for dharamkot. got up to Anil';s place and instead of having to deal with him and his continued annoying nuances and outright pointblank questions,( I had planned to just come back and say my final farewell to him before leaving), I met 3 very nice tourists and we just talked among us before I headed off across the mountain for my last walk in search of just that extra bit of calm and peace I so enjoy up here.
Well, 10 minutes out I realized I had forgotten my water at the tea house, but decided not to go back and just do a shorter walk than planned. 5 minutes later I realized I had also left my camera, but decided not to go back for that either. Either it was still there having been found and put away, or it was NOT there and going back would not change that. 5 minutes later, finally beginning to enjoy my walk, a young Indian boy of about 14 approached me and didn't think anything of it at first so just let him chat ...long sob sotry later, turns out he just wanted money!!! He wouldn't leave me alone and finally just turned back towards dharamkot with him following me the whole way and not stopping talking. So my last day on the mountain certainly holds so far no lovely memeories for me (Perhaps my last deep impression from this trip is meant to be my meeting with Tenzin Palmo and nothing else will be allowed to overshadow it)... as I am on the way back, who is coming towards me (still being followed by the India boy continuing to beg) is Anil. Just to make sure I get no pleasure out of this last walk. We walk for awhile and when he finally finally figures out htat he will never get anyting from me (Anil, not the begging Indian boy), he actually refuses to even say "goodbye" and just walks off. so another chapter closed never to be opened again.
Now, decide not to end my walking so go across Dharamakot and over to Bhagsu across the mountain. And am now sitting the German Bakery where I met Akhilesh (who I had also thought to go say goodbye to after my lunch). We had a nice short talk and I feel as if this is also a final farewell to Akhilesh. Can't tell you why. It's as if all past ties to this place -even my attachment to the mountain itself, are being severred. It is quite a feeleing of releasse. Every old pattern of thought, need of, desire for seems to be melting away. Abdellah is till complaing that I am too quiet. But I like the feeling of NOT feeling the need to speak. Everything I think I might say just seems trivial and unimportant and not worth saying.
I have my "aloneness" back. wondering how I will manage without my own place...but will find the PLACE inside and use it as often as I feel the need.
I I keep seeing flashes of myself with people all around and me just sitting in silence and enjoying observing.
I realize I am leaving here happy and coming back to Israel happy. Because I have found my true home-inside-and wherever my new physical place will be is basically unimportant when compared with this new feeling of a permanent "home" for the first time in my life.
I will continue to make the most of the next few days and apologize to those who had last minute requests and I won't be able to fulfill them for simple lack of momey.
by this time next week I will be sitting in Amman anxiously waiting for the plane to take off for Tel Aviv...we have a 5 hour stopover and it will be a very long 5 hours.
See you all soon and to those I don't see right away, will call.
Love and hugs...Jane
Dear All,
Didn't think I would be writing again as I didn't think there would be anything to write...I am basically now just making the most of each day before I come home. Tomorrow this lady I wrote about Claudia is coming for lunch so we will be with her most of the day (Abdellah and I at least) and I still have to go down to Dharamasala one more time and then on Thursday I have to pack up the kitchen and back up my stuff...think I won't have room for everything!!
But, as always in India, things happen by chance and felt the need to write again a couple of hours ago...so here goes.
Bhagsu-German Bakery around 1 PM
I think I am taking my final leave of this place. Perhaps I no longer have the NEED to be here. If I ever return it will be just because I feel like it...not because I must. Everythng that has happened so far today has added to this feeling of a final farewell to my attachment to this place. It's as if the whole past year has been contrived in such a way as to detach me from ALL I felt the NEED for. Living my life in a certain way, in a certain area in Israel, doint things in a certain way and earning my money in a certain type of framework. and today's farewell is just a continuation of all which began happening last year as soon as I got back from India.
My moving in with and now leaving Avik;s house has put a final closing to all that part of my life. I find myself now with no home, no job, no income of any sort and yet not worried about the future or even taking any great pains to plan things. I will be living from day to day and see where life takes me. but until today I still felt this NEED for McLeod and the surrounding area as a sort of retreat from...
Perhaps in my new life I will no longer feel the need to retreat from...but all I need will be IN me instead of something or someplace outside of me. that doesn't mean in any way that I do not have to pursue a job and find a place to live. but I have a feeling that I will no longer need a place to "run away to" because I will not be running from anything.
so...how have events of today helped me in my farewell to THIS place? Well, got up early as usual and left for dharamkot. got up to Anil';s place and instead of having to deal with him and his continued annoying nuances and outright pointblank questions,( I had planned to just come back and say my final farewell to him before leaving), I met 3 very nice tourists and we just talked among us before I headed off across the mountain for my last walk in search of just that extra bit of calm and peace I so enjoy up here.
Well, 10 minutes out I realized I had forgotten my water at the tea house, but decided not to go back and just do a shorter walk than planned. 5 minutes later I realized I had also left my camera, but decided not to go back for that either. Either it was still there having been found and put away, or it was NOT there and going back would not change that. 5 minutes later, finally beginning to enjoy my walk, a young Indian boy of about 14 approached me and didn't think anything of it at first so just let him chat ...long sob sotry later, turns out he just wanted money!!! He wouldn't leave me alone and finally just turned back towards dharamkot with him following me the whole way and not stopping talking. So my last day on the mountain certainly holds so far no lovely memeories for me (Perhaps my last deep impression from this trip is meant to be my meeting with Tenzin Palmo and nothing else will be allowed to overshadow it)... as I am on the way back, who is coming towards me (still being followed by the India boy continuing to beg) is Anil. Just to make sure I get no pleasure out of this last walk. We walk for awhile and when he finally finally figures out htat he will never get anyting from me (Anil, not the begging Indian boy), he actually refuses to even say "goodbye" and just walks off. so another chapter closed never to be opened again.
Now, decide not to end my walking so go across Dharamakot and over to Bhagsu across the mountain. And am now sitting the German Bakery where I met Akhilesh (who I had also thought to go say goodbye to after my lunch). We had a nice short talk and I feel as if this is also a final farewell to Akhilesh. Can't tell you why. It's as if all past ties to this place -even my attachment to the mountain itself, are being severred. It is quite a feeleing of releasse. Every old pattern of thought, need of, desire for seems to be melting away. Abdellah is till complaing that I am too quiet. But I like the feeling of NOT feeling the need to speak. Everything I think I might say just seems trivial and unimportant and not worth saying.
I have my "aloneness" back. wondering how I will manage without my own place...but will find the PLACE inside and use it as often as I feel the need.
I I keep seeing flashes of myself with people all around and me just sitting in silence and enjoying observing.
I realize I am leaving here happy and coming back to Israel happy. Because I have found my true home-inside-and wherever my new physical place will be is basically unimportant when compared with this new feeling of a permanent "home" for the first time in my life.
I will continue to make the most of the next few days and apologize to those who had last minute requests and I won't be able to fulfill them for simple lack of momey.
by this time next week I will be sitting in Amman anxiously waiting for the plane to take off for Tel Aviv...we have a 5 hour stopover and it will be a very long 5 hours.
See you all soon and to those I don't see right away, will call.
Love and hugs...Jane
posted by Jane @ 2:55 PM
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